Archive | A guide to training humans by Alfie the Doorstep Cat

A Cat’s guide to Love and Romance, by Alfie the Doorstep Cat

Love makes the world go round. This is true for cats and humans alike. With Valentine’s day upon us yet again, I thought I would help you all by sharing with you my romance and love tips. I have had some experience in this, having wooed and won over the most beautiful cat in the world, so therefore I can vouch for my advice. Quite simply, it works.alfie-the-doorstep-cat
  1. Make your intentions clear. It is important to make the object of your heart aware that you like them. I suggest flirting, subtly but with meaning; no one likes an obvious cat. Oh and if anyone thinks that cats can’t flirt, that’s rubbish, preen your head, blink your eyes, let your tail swish in a sexy way… There are so many ways cats can flirt, but use your assets to your advantage in winning over the one you like.
  2. Ensure you look your best at all times. Especially when you may bump into the object of your affection. Make sure you are clean and well-groomed at all times. Any self-respecting cat does this anyway – humans, well sometimes they don’t always look their best, but this is important. You need to take pride in your appearance, as you should take pride in everything about yourself. I am not saying relationships are based on looks, but the fact that you make an effort with your appearance translates into you making an effort in other walks of life.
  3. Persistence. Sometimes it takes a while to prove your love, or for the recipient of said love to reciprocate. I believe persistence pays off, it did in my case. But beware there is a line between persistence and needing a restraining order. They don’t usually issue them for cats but that could change, so stalk like a cat, not like a psychopath.
  4. Be creative. Romance is creative. Love is creative. It’s about hearts, poetry, soul. Think like a romantic and then act like a romantic. It’s so important that you use all your creativity to win the heart of your loved one, because if you do then you’ll have that heart for keeps. I feel that I have the soul of a poet so it is easy for me, but for those who feel less like a romantic, you can study classic love stories and learn from them. Romeo And Juliet is a good one but I must warn you, it doesn’t end well.
  5. Don’t be arrogant. Some cats think they can pester the cat they like until they give in – and I have heard that humans can do the same. No, in order to truly capture a heart, you have to win them over, be self-depreciating, not arrogant, and woo them. You would rather someone dated you because they liked you rather than were scared of you, after all. Or at least I hope you would.
  6. Think about a grand gesture. I once took my true love some flowers – which isn’t easy for a cat – and I climbed a tree with them, so they would know how much they meant to me. It all went horribly wrong, I got stuck up the tree, dropped the flowers and had to be rescued. But my cat love realised how much I loved them, for me to put myself through that. I would always recommend a grand gesture. Just try not to involve too much danger to yourself or others.
  7. Once you have won their hearts, don’t just give up. Too many cats – and humans – rest on their laurels, thinking that once they have their relationship, job done. But love is like a flower, it needs feeding in order to grow. You must feed your love – pilchards always work for me. So always keep the romance alive.
Follow these simple rules and you are sure to have romance this Valentine’s Day either with a new love or an established one.
And a very Happy Valentine’s Day to you all!

Alfie’s New Year Resolutions

Happy New Year to all my fellow cats and your humans. I am predicting that 2016 will be a pretty good year for felines and people alike and I wish you health, happiness, peace and lots of pilchards.

Humans do this thing every year, they call it New Year’s resolutions and as far as I can tell, they are things people say they are going to do so that after a couple of weeks they can absolutely not do them.

alfieThe most common resolutions I hear from my humans is that they are going to eat healthily and exercise more, and then they seem to forget to do just that, back to cake and watching TV every time. It is quite baffling for us cats but that is humans for you. Complex – they don’t altogether make much sense.

So here are my cat resolutions for 2016 and being a reliable cat, I will stick to them. So cat community, if you want to join me then please feel free.

I will enjoy every day that this year offers. I shall appreciate every leaf, butterfly and glimpse of sun that I get. I will not even let dogs dampen my spirits.
I shall appreciate my food, even when it’s not my favourite. Not every cat is as lucky as me and this year I need to remember that.
I shall shower my humans with affection and ensure they feel good about themselves. I do this anyway but I shall increase my efforts to make them happy.
I will have fun with my friends. Tiger, Snowball, Elvis, Nellie, Rocky and even Tom will be part of my daily quest for living life to the max. Whether they like it or not.
I will exercise regularly. No one needs to be a lazy cat. I shall chase butterflies, climb small trees and run around in circles when necessary.
Most of all I shall count my blessings every day. I am a very lucky cat and anyone who has a roof over their head, food in their bellies and love surrounding them is also incredibly lucky so let 2016 be the year that we all remember that.
Welcome to 2016 and everyone have the best year and be the best cat that you can be!

Chapter 4: Sleeping Arrangements

There is much that needs to be covered when it comes to where you sleep or rest round the house but for this section we will concentrate on your main place of slumber. After all, sleep is incredibly important to us cats, we are only as clever as we are because of the amount of rest we get.

alfie-sleepingJust as with food we do not all like to sleep in the same places and our humans need to be made aware of this. I, for example prefer to sleep on either the sofa or in a chair on top of a warm snuggly blanket, or the very least a soft cushion. My friend, Tiger, likes her cat basket which she says makes her feel cosy. So bearing this in mind I am going to give you the following tips.

– If your human buys you a bed you don’t like, refuse to sleep in it. If they put you in it, yelp loudly and jump out as if it’s on fire. They will soon learn!

– If they try to ban you from certain pieces of furniture pretend you don’t understand. Humans don’t understand how clever we cats are, so playing dumb is a very good tactic.

– If you like sleeping on a bed, which to be fair is where humans sleep so if it’s good enough for them it’s good enough for some of us, then just sleep there. Some nicer humans will share with you, but if they don’t then just keep doing it. Sleep in the middle of the bed if you really need to hammer the message home. Humans tend to give up much quicker than cats do.

– If this doesn’t give you the results you desire, after all humans aren’t always that quick on the up-take, be persistent and consistent. Find your sleeping goal and refuse to sleep anywhere else.
Good luck, fellow cats and enjoy your rest on your place of sleep fit for a cat!

Chapter 1: About the Author

Alfie is five cat years old. He currently lives in Edgar Road, London, and has lived their for the last three years. He is a doorstep cat, meaning he has more than one family and more than one home. He visits various houses and has families in each. This makes him qualified to advise other cats on humans, having a wider experience than many cats have with them. He loves his humans but also understands better than most how important training them can be.

Alfie the doorstep catOne of his mottos is “an untrained human is like a dog without a lead.” And no cat wants that. Alfie has starred in two books, ALFIE THE DOORSTEP CAT and the new book A CAT CALLED ALFIE. He likes to think he is the Harry Potter of the cat world, only without the magic and Quidditch.

He decided to write A CAT’S GUIDE TO TRAINING YOUR HUMAN to share his knowledge of humans with his fellow cats. Alfie likes pilchards, butterflies, leaves and sunshine. He dislikes dogs, cat ready meals (especially tins) and water, including rain.He hopes you enjoy his guide to training your human and looks forward to any feedback the cat community would like to give him.

Chapter 2: An Introduction to Training

An Introduction to Training

Hello, my name is Alfie and I would like to welcome you to my new blog.

Follow me over the next few weeks and you will learn how to train your humans to be the best humans every cat needs and deserves. Use my friendly and gentle training methods and I will teach you how to ensure that your humans act in a cat-appropriate way.

We love our humans but they can be tricky. But here are a few simple rules:

– Treat them with kindness and respect at all times. Even if they are being difficult and not playing ball (literally at times).

– Kindness goes a long way with humans.

– Being loving toward your human means you will reap the benefits in the long run.

– Never get angry with them, it may be hard at times but anger makes things worse.

– Adopt patience with humans.

– Humans are flawed, after all they can’t be cats.

alfie-the-doorstep-cat-The key to training your human is to recognise that they think they are in charge. Humans seem to assume that we are their pets but us cats know better. We know who’s the boss and keeping that in mind will not only make it easier to get your human to behave the way you want them to but it will also ensure that within your household, your humans, and their pets, (i.e. dogs and children) will all bow to your superior knowledge and intelligence.

In a nutshell, my fellow cats, stick with me, follow my simple training methods and you will have your humans eating out of your paws in no time.

Chapter 3: Food

12233138_10153582627290795_1002708252_nWe all know how important food is to everyone, not just cats. You would think that humans understood the need for delicious nutrition for us cats but alas sometimes, yet again you need to spell it out.

Us cats are not all the same, we know that but, humans don’t always realise. We all like to eat different things. My favourite food is pilchards but my friend, Tiger loves the cat food that comes out of a pouch – I always say there is no accounting for taste. But the point is that we deserve to eat what we enjoy, but we just have to let humans this.

First, it’s important to establish two things:
1. Letting humans know when you are hungry.
2. Letting them know what you want to eat.

When you are hungry, there are a few actions to take:

1. Miaow loudly and urgently, especially if you are ready for breakfast and your humans are still sleeping.
2. Go to where your bowl is, or scratch at the cupboard where the food is kept. (I have been known to actually get into my food cupboard, but the problem is that I got stuck so be careful.)
3. Repeat above steps as necessary.

To let them know what food you like/dislike:

1. Eat eagerly if you like food, lick your lips and purr appreciatively once you have finished dining. Praise your human by making a fuss of them. Humans love praise and if you rub against their legs, purr, and snuggle into them, they know they have done something right.
2. Leave food if you dislike it. If you are very hungry eat a bit but make it clear you dislike it by miaowing loudly and leaving the bulk of it in your bowl. Refuse affection. It might sound harsh but, if you don’t stand firm on your paws then you might never get food you like.
3. If necessary jump on the table when they are eating, to show you would like food a bit more like theirs. If you really need to make a point lick their food – it might make your human angry at first but they will soon get the message.

As I’ve said before the key, in all areas of human training, is to keep things as simple and consistent as possible. Enjoy your purr-fect food after following my simple rules.

Author of Alfie The Door Step Cat